You would've been stunned to hear on the news that the United Nations has given Chris Carter the job of eliminating corruption in Afghanistan. When bombshells like this are dropped on the world without explanation it results in a psychological state known as cognitive dissonance - people know such an important move is meant to make sense, so they struggle to extract the meaning.
Getting your head around it feels like trying to grab a wriggling fish with both hands, right? You grasp that making a fool of himself in the headlines last year (destroying his own political career whilst attempting to destroy his leader's) would likely drive a primadonna to suicide, but why not just drive across the centre-line into an on-coming SUV like everyone else?? Heading half-way across the world to get some islamic nutter to do it seems too complicated - anyway it was apparently the UN's decision, not his. You know top-level political decisions are made with evident logic to keep the punters lulled into a false state of security, you know UN decisions the past half-century have been a consistent track record of bumbling incompetence - yet this seems at least an order of magnitude more imbecilic.
The afghanis wore out the British army in the 19th century, the Russian army in the 20th, and the US army in the 21st. Having defeated 3 empires in a row, they're now confronted by the 4th cab off the rank: a fag from the arse-end of the universe!! They must be scared shitless!
You will have noticed that not just our national media, but the global media also, has been bereft of any follow-up commentary & explanation. Everyone is totally baffled (the sole exception being one wag who claimed that the posting to Kabul was due to the UN office in Timbuktu not currently hiring). When cognitive dissonance is triggered on a mass scale like this, there's always a danger of degeneration into mass psychosis - people get real paranoid & you can see them looking around fearful of `wtf is gonna happen next?'. It's taken me a few days to get the situation sussed, but now I'm in the position to reassure everyone, so the following scenario is offered for circulation as a public service...
[scene: UN HQ, boardroom table]
Obama's man: "Ok all, the pres needs a viable exit strategy for re-election. These afghanis are real tough buggers, huh? Shock & awe worked in Iraq, dunno why Bush never did the re-run."
CIA guy: "No Saddam, no leader, different ball-game."
Obama's man: "Whatever. Pres needs a victory, so you guys are gonna have to produce one. Remember we had to pull funding on the UN a few years back when we got non-compliance - you don't want that again, do you?"
Ban Ki Moon: "No sir, we solve problem, keep our jobs."
Obama's man: "Right. Now the previous exit strategy was setting up a democratic government. Problem is it's too alien for them, they can't learn it. Corruption is even more normal there than back home, if you can believe that. We need to force them to behave."
CIA guy: "Overwhelming force hasn't worked. Looks like we have to underwhelm them. Lateral thinking."
Obama's man: "Jeeze, you guys always get me with the subtle stuff. You mean quantity is the problem, so we need quality instead? We've already thrown all the special forces at them, didn't do much good. It's like we need Superman. Hang on! Schwarzeneggar!! We can fire the Terminator at them!!! They'll shit their pants!"
[congrats, orgy of back-slapping, cigars break out]
Helen Clark: "Ah, it's my understanding there are no cinemas in that country, let alone DVD players, so why would you assume they've even heard of the Terminator? In fact, they don't even have electricity yet."
Obama's man: "You're shitting me! I thought the UN is meant to be doing sustainable development on all these retards. What gives??"
Ban Ki Moon: "Not easy, some places..."
CIA guy: "Normally we advise the Machiavellian approach. The Stalin model could work here: ineffectual functionaries are never seen as a threat by men of power. We need someone who presents as sincere & friendly while stabbing the target in the back, someone enthusiastic enough to come across well at a press conference, yet without a track record of substantive achievement."
Helen Clark (thoughtfully): "Actually, I believe I know just the right man. A member of parliament who launched a coup against his leader without obtaining any support, by means of a forged document which he addressed with his own distinctive handwriting so it was immediately recognisable."
Obama's man: "Incredible! Are they all that thick where you come from?"
Helen Clark (sharply): "Of course not! That's my point - he's clever enough to seem intelligent without actually being so. And he always does what I tell him."
Obama's man: "Excellent, sounds great. Good work, team! Ban, announce the appointment. We gotta get outta this hell-hole so we can deal with Assad. Hang on, forget I said that!"
Helen Clark: "Ah, one small thing. The UN has a long-standing policy of respecting indigenous cultures. In fact, we are charged with protecting their integrity. Everyone knows corruption has been fundamental to Afghan society for millennia. How will the Afghans react to such an attack on their traditional culture? And don't forget that politically-correct thinking has been obligatory throughout western countries in recent decades. Do you really want to further inflame anti-American sentiment everywhere?"
Ban Ki Moon: "Indeed so. Young lady new here, sir."
CIA guy: "Not a real problem. Perception is reality. We are not actually launching an attack on Afghan corruption - we are merely creating the impression of doing so. The Stalin model works via managing the impressions in the minds of both participants & observers. You just need to let the afghanis know his track record as a back-stabber, they'll clap him on the back & call him brother. Takes one to know one, right?"
Time now to draw a veil over proceedings, just as Helen Clark is about to inform them that their new agent is gay. If he's a queen, he'll have a ball with all those macho men. If he's the other kind, we get to find out how long they're normally allowed to live. Moslems, like jews & christian fundamentalists, go by the word of god as originally written. That word is abomination: when one is found the rule says stone him to death.
Will we get to see Chris Carter getting stoned in a somewhat different manner to usual, in public ceremony? When they whack him on the back & call him brother, will he remember to ask them to switch the knife to the other hand first?
Is the primadonna aiming for martydom in a noble cause? Will they put on his tombstone "He went to root out corruption single-handedly in a foreign land where it had been endemic since the dawn of time. What a hero!"?
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: multiple fascinating plot lines, suspense, sex & violence, obviously someone's plan for a new reality tv show. Guess the UN's done a deal with one of the media corporates to film him on the job ...
Getting your head around it feels like trying to grab a wriggling fish with both hands, right? You grasp that making a fool of himself in the headlines last year (destroying his own political career whilst attempting to destroy his leader's) would likely drive a primadonna to suicide, but why not just drive across the centre-line into an on-coming SUV like everyone else?? Heading half-way across the world to get some islamic nutter to do it seems too complicated - anyway it was apparently the UN's decision, not his. You know top-level political decisions are made with evident logic to keep the punters lulled into a false state of security, you know UN decisions the past half-century have been a consistent track record of bumbling incompetence - yet this seems at least an order of magnitude more imbecilic.
The afghanis wore out the British army in the 19th century, the Russian army in the 20th, and the US army in the 21st. Having defeated 3 empires in a row, they're now confronted by the 4th cab off the rank: a fag from the arse-end of the universe!! They must be scared shitless!
You will have noticed that not just our national media, but the global media also, has been bereft of any follow-up commentary & explanation. Everyone is totally baffled (the sole exception being one wag who claimed that the posting to Kabul was due to the UN office in Timbuktu not currently hiring). When cognitive dissonance is triggered on a mass scale like this, there's always a danger of degeneration into mass psychosis - people get real paranoid & you can see them looking around fearful of `wtf is gonna happen next?'. It's taken me a few days to get the situation sussed, but now I'm in the position to reassure everyone, so the following scenario is offered for circulation as a public service...
[scene: UN HQ, boardroom table]
Obama's man: "Ok all, the pres needs a viable exit strategy for re-election. These afghanis are real tough buggers, huh? Shock & awe worked in Iraq, dunno why Bush never did the re-run."
CIA guy: "No Saddam, no leader, different ball-game."
Obama's man: "Whatever. Pres needs a victory, so you guys are gonna have to produce one. Remember we had to pull funding on the UN a few years back when we got non-compliance - you don't want that again, do you?"
Ban Ki Moon: "No sir, we solve problem, keep our jobs."
Obama's man: "Right. Now the previous exit strategy was setting up a democratic government. Problem is it's too alien for them, they can't learn it. Corruption is even more normal there than back home, if you can believe that. We need to force them to behave."
CIA guy: "Overwhelming force hasn't worked. Looks like we have to underwhelm them. Lateral thinking."
Obama's man: "Jeeze, you guys always get me with the subtle stuff. You mean quantity is the problem, so we need quality instead? We've already thrown all the special forces at them, didn't do much good. It's like we need Superman. Hang on! Schwarzeneggar!! We can fire the Terminator at them!!! They'll shit their pants!"
[congrats, orgy of back-slapping, cigars break out]
Helen Clark: "Ah, it's my understanding there are no cinemas in that country, let alone DVD players, so why would you assume they've even heard of the Terminator? In fact, they don't even have electricity yet."
Obama's man: "You're shitting me! I thought the UN is meant to be doing sustainable development on all these retards. What gives??"
Ban Ki Moon: "Not easy, some places..."
CIA guy: "Normally we advise the Machiavellian approach. The Stalin model could work here: ineffectual functionaries are never seen as a threat by men of power. We need someone who presents as sincere & friendly while stabbing the target in the back, someone enthusiastic enough to come across well at a press conference, yet without a track record of substantive achievement."
Helen Clark (thoughtfully): "Actually, I believe I know just the right man. A member of parliament who launched a coup against his leader without obtaining any support, by means of a forged document which he addressed with his own distinctive handwriting so it was immediately recognisable."
Obama's man: "Incredible! Are they all that thick where you come from?"
Helen Clark (sharply): "Of course not! That's my point - he's clever enough to seem intelligent without actually being so. And he always does what I tell him."
Obama's man: "Excellent, sounds great. Good work, team! Ban, announce the appointment. We gotta get outta this hell-hole so we can deal with Assad. Hang on, forget I said that!"
Helen Clark: "Ah, one small thing. The UN has a long-standing policy of respecting indigenous cultures. In fact, we are charged with protecting their integrity. Everyone knows corruption has been fundamental to Afghan society for millennia. How will the Afghans react to such an attack on their traditional culture? And don't forget that politically-correct thinking has been obligatory throughout western countries in recent decades. Do you really want to further inflame anti-American sentiment everywhere?"
Ban Ki Moon: "Indeed so. Young lady new here, sir."
CIA guy: "Not a real problem. Perception is reality. We are not actually launching an attack on Afghan corruption - we are merely creating the impression of doing so. The Stalin model works via managing the impressions in the minds of both participants & observers. You just need to let the afghanis know his track record as a back-stabber, they'll clap him on the back & call him brother. Takes one to know one, right?"
Time now to draw a veil over proceedings, just as Helen Clark is about to inform them that their new agent is gay. If he's a queen, he'll have a ball with all those macho men. If he's the other kind, we get to find out how long they're normally allowed to live. Moslems, like jews & christian fundamentalists, go by the word of god as originally written. That word is abomination: when one is found the rule says stone him to death.
Will we get to see Chris Carter getting stoned in a somewhat different manner to usual, in public ceremony? When they whack him on the back & call him brother, will he remember to ask them to switch the knife to the other hand first?
Is the primadonna aiming for martydom in a noble cause? Will they put on his tombstone "He went to root out corruption single-handedly in a foreign land where it had been endemic since the dawn of time. What a hero!"?
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: multiple fascinating plot lines, suspense, sex & violence, obviously someone's plan for a new reality tv show. Guess the UN's done a deal with one of the media corporates to film him on the job ...
(I sent this piece of writing to 7 friends on 6/9/11 as an email - one responded that I ought to publish it, so here 'tis...)
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